Learning how to handle misbehavior in our kids is a complex challenge, and many parents find themselves addressing symptoms without getting to underlying causes. Using an effective, logical consequence alone can often stop misbehavior.
However, if the child’s underlying needs are not met, misbehaviors tend to resurface later—either in original form or some other. Arguing might return as arguing—or as a quiet refusal to do what the parent asks.
Treating causes alone can also fall short of the mark. Although the child might start to feel much better because his or her emotional needs are being met, the misbehavior continues because it’s become a habit that is not being addressed.
Powerful and lasting solutions address underlying needs in addition to symptoms.
The Love and Logic Approach
Love and Logic parents are most effective when they combine an understanding of universal human needs with their Love and Logic techniques, thereby addressing both underlying causes and symptoms. These universal needs, the underlying causes of most misbehaviors, include the following.
The Need for Unconditional Love, Respect, and Comforting Limits
Love and Logic parents meet this need by wrapping consequences in a strong blanket of empathy. For example, they can say, “This is so sad. I know you must be really mad. I’ll be happy to take you out for pizza when I know we won’t have an argument.” The underlying message is, “I will always value and love you, even when your behavior is inappropriate.”
The Need for Healthy Control
When children are angry, defiant or resentful, they are actually hurting inside. Giving them healthy control in the form of plenty of choices is medicine for their wounds. Here are some examples of choices:
“Do you want to have juice or milk with dinner?”
“Are you going to set your alarm for 6:00 or 6:15?”
“Would you like to have your hair long or short?”
The Need to Be Noticed and to Feel Good About Oneself
During tough times, kids need more than ever for us to see their strengths and point them out. Sadly, we often forget to do this when we are caught up in the problem. Love and Logic parents can take the time to notice positives about their kids by saying things like:
“I noticed your friends really look up to you.”
“I noticed you really take pride in your skateboarding.”
“I noticed you like to draw.”
It’s amazing what we will do to please the people who notice our strengths!
Building Self-Esteem and Self-Concept
By understanding and responding to a child’s underlying needs, parents can significantly improve a child’s self-esteem and their self-concept. For more ideas about how to help your kids improve their self-concept, listen to our audio, Shaping Self-Concept: Encouraging Kids to Take Risks and Learn.
Thanks for reading!
