Defiant kids can test the patience of the best of parents. How many parents do you know who react to defiance by barking orders that might not be enforceable? With this approach, they set themselves up to lose and end up in a power struggle with undesirable, ineffective outcomes!
Children who recognize that they can defy their parents become increasingly insecure and prone to test limits. Each time a parental request is ignored or defied, the authority of the parent is diminished in the eyes of the children. It does not take long before these kids learn, “I don’t really have to do anything my parent says.”
Parents can set themselves up to be winners with defiant kids by using “Thinking-Word Requests” instead of “Fighting-Word Demands.” Here are some examples of typical Fighting-Word Demands along with their Thinking-Word alternatives:
Parents can set themselves up to be winners with defiant kids by using “Thinking-Word Requests” instead of “Fighting-Word Demands.” Here are some examples of typical Fighting-Word Demands along with their Thinking-Word alternatives:
Fighting-Word Demand: “Take out the trash, and do it now!”
Thinking-Word Request: “I’d appreciate it if you take the trash out before bed time. Thanks.”
Fighting-Word Demand: “Don’t you talk to me that way! You go to your room!”
Thinking-Word Request: “Would you mind taking those words to your room? Thank you.”
Fighting-Word Demand: “You come here right now!”
Thinking-Word Request: “Hey, Pal. Would you mind coming here? Thank you.”
Fighting-Word Demand: “Go help your little sister. Do it now—I mean it!”
Thinking-Word Request: “Would you mind helping your sister now. I’d appreciate it.”
Some readers might view these thinking-word requests show no parental authority. In fact, some might even say, “What a wimpy way to talk. How is any authority maintained when you speak so nicely to kids?” My answer is, “Don’t be so quick to judge.”
It is important to remember that Love and Logic parents are not permissive. Even though they treat their children with dignity and seldom bark orders, they expect that their wishes and requests will be honored. Their children believe in that old saying, “Your wish is my command.”
Children who live in Love and Logic homes have learned, through experience, that everybody wins when they are cooperative. Have these kids ever tested authority? Sure they have! How else did they learn that defiance doesn’t pay? Learn more strategies on the art of handling defiant kids in my webinar, Success with Strong-Willed, Stubborn or Downright Defiant Kids.
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