Have you ever been frustrated by a child’s response of “I don’t know”? Maybe you’ve asked a thoughtful question, expecting to engage them in meaningful conversation or problem-solving, only to be met with a shrug and those three little words. If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone.
At Love and Logic, we understand how challenging these moments can be. Today, we’ll explore practical techniques to navigate the “I don’t know” phenomenon, helping kids move from indecision to empowerment.
Here’s a short, fun video from our YouTube channel with some simple ways to handle “I don’t know”.
Understanding the "I Don't Know" Response
First, it’s important to recognize that not all “I don’t know” responses are created equal. Some kids genuinely don’t understand or need more help to grasp a concept. In those cases, it’s essential to create an environment where they feel safe asking for assistance without fear of embarrassment or judgment. Simple systems like nonverbal signals or private conversations can work wonders in these situations, particularly in classroom settings.
But what about those times when “I don’t know” feels more like a lazy escape or an attempt to avoid effort? That’s where our Love and Logic techniques come in handy.
A Simple, Effective Response: "If You Did Know..."
When you’re met with a halfhearted “I don’t know,” try this powerful technique:
Ask, “If you did know, what would you say?”
It might sound too simple to be effective, but research shows this approach works about a third of the time. By reframing the question, you gently nudge the child out of their indecision and invite them to engage in the process. It’s as if you’re saying, “I believe you have an answer inside you, and I’m here to help you find it.”
When Choices Are Involved: Guiding Decisions?
For situations where you’ve provided options but still get the dreaded “I don’t know,” this same principle applies:
If you did know, which one would you pick?
This question encourages kids to start thinking actively about the choices in front of them. It’s especially helpful when dealing with everyday decisions, like choosing between activities or deciding how to tackle a task. While it won’t work every time, it’s a simple tool to get the ball rolling.
Offering Gentle Guidance: The Power of Options
For the remaining two-thirds of the time when “I don’t know” persists, try this Love and Logic technique:
Would you like to hear what some other kids have tried?
This question serves two purposes. First, it shows empathy and understanding by acknowledging their uncertainty. Second, it opens the door to offering helpful suggestions without being overbearing. For example:
- “Some kids decide to take a deep breath and think about it for a moment.”
- “Others try breaking the problem into smaller steps to make it easier.”
By presenting options in a non-threatening way, you empower kids to choose a solution that feels right for them. It’s important, however, to only suggest options you’re comfortable with. For instance, “walking out into traffic” is definitely not on the list!
A Two-Step Process for Problem Solving
When kids are stuck in a cycle of indecision or helplessness, this two-step process can be a game-changer:
-
“If you did know, what would you say?”
This helps jumpstart their thinking and gives them ownership of the solution. -
“Would you like to hear what some other kids have tried?”
This provides support and guidance, offering actionable steps without solving the problem for them.
Why These Techniques Work?
These approaches work because they tap into a child’s natural problem-solving abilities. Instead of letting them stay stuck in the comfort of “I don’t know,” you gently push them toward finding answers within themselves or learning from others. Over time, this builds confidence, independence, and critical thinking skills.
We hope it is helpful!
For more ideas about getting kids to think and figure things out on their own, check out Four Steps to Responsibility.
